Hey ‘Yes Ma’am’… Time to Cash in Those Chips
Helping others is a beautiful thing, but a true relationship—whether personal or professional—thrives on give and take. When you’re a people pleaser, it’s easy to give, give, and give some more. But now’s the time to remember that the currency you’ve built—your effort, your goodwill—needs to be spent.
Picture this: you’re at work, going above and beyond to help your team finish a project. It benefits the company, and you’re making everyone’s lives easier. But when you need time off for a personal matter, you hesitate to ask. Why? You’ve built that professional currency—don’t save it for a rainy day. Cash it in, ask for that time off, and know that your contributions have earned it.
Sound familiar? Whether you're at the office, juggling multiple requests from your team, or at home handling the never-ending tasks of daily life, these thoughts race through your mind. You smile, nod, and say "yes" when deep down, you want to say "no." But why? Why do we keep agreeing to things that don’t serve us, that don’t benefit the relationship as a whole, or worse—enable someone else’s poor behaviour?
Welcome to the world of people pleasing.
The Psychology Behind People Pleasing
According to research from psychologists, people-pleasing behaviour is often rooted in a desire for approval and fear of rejection. It’s called sociotropy—a personality trait characterised by excessive concern about pleasing others and being accepted socially. People pleasers are wired to avoid conflict, and this tendency can create an endless cycle of putting others first, sometimes at the expense of personal well-being.
Studies have shown that people pleasers can become overly attuned to the emotions of those around them, leading to chronic stress and burnout. In fact, a study from the Journal of Social Psychology found that people pleasers are more likely to engage in unhealthy habits, like overeating or neglecting self-care, just to maintain harmony.
But it’s not all bad—being a people pleaser has its upsides. People who have this trait are often seen as empathetic, reliable, and trustworthy, making them invaluable in teams and relationships. The key is learning how to balance this trait.
Are You One of Them?
Here are some signs that you might be leaning too far into people-pleasing territory:
You feel guilty or anxious when you say no.
You prioritize others' needs over your own, even when it harms you.
You constantly seek validation or approval from others.
You avoid conflict at all costs.
You’re overly accommodating, even when it’s inconvenient.
On the flip side, you might be too rigid in the other direction if:
You rarely offer help, even when it would genuinely benefit others.
You’re dismissive of others' needs.
You find yourself avoiding teamwork or group projects.
Building Healthy Boundaries
Being a people pleaser isn’t inherently bad—but like all good things, it requires balance. Here’s how you can optimize this trait:
Know Your Limits: Before you agree to anything, pause and ask yourself: “Is this something I can realistically take on without sacrificing my own well-being?” Set boundaries that protect your time and energy.
Cash in on Your Currency: Think of all the times you've helped others. That’s social capital—don’t let it go to waste. When you've given consistently, it's okay to lean on your relationships and cash in on the goodwill you’ve built. It's not about keeping score; it's about ensuring reciprocity.
Learn to Say No: Practice saying no in a way that is both firm and respectful. “I wish I could help, but I’m at capacity right now,” is a perfect example. Saying no doesn’t make you unhelpful—it makes you human.
Communicate Your Needs: Noone thinks about you as much as you think. So don’t assume others know when you're overextending yourself. Speak up about your limits, and encourage others to do the same.
Use the Good China: Just like grandma saving her finest for special occasions, don't wait to use your skills, connections, and social capital. The real magic happens when you blend giving with taking—it creates trust and mutual respect.
So, do they like you? Can I say, sometimes who cares? It is more do they respect you, careful not to confuse the two. Maybe they do because you’ve bent over backward to make sure of it. But at what cost? And oh, that tiredness you’re feeling? It’s the weight of all the “yeses” you’ve said without giving yourself the space to breathe.
The next time you find yourself repeating the mantra: Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir—pause, reflect, and ask yourself, “Is this serving me, or am I serving everyone but myself?”
Master the art of people-pleasing by balancing it with boundaries and using your social currency wisely. It’s time to shift from automatic “yes” to conscious action.